Brush Confession #12

Here is the video of the process of the Medicine Buddha being painted. Enjoy!

Brush Confession #11

“Do not dwell in the past,
do not dream of the future,
concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

I just finished a painting of the Medicine Buddha. I have always thought of art as a spiritual experience, but for some reason the act of painting the buddha was a very deep emotional experience for me. I have returned to meditation again. Remembering what really matters. Clearing my mind and touching my suffering gently. Each stroke, each breath I made while painting the buddha, brought my mind back to the moment. I am currently working on the video and feel even though the painting is done the experience still continues. I will return later with both a video and a conclusion. May all you readers out there find happiness.

Brush Confession #10

May all sentient beings enjoy happiness and the Root of happiness.
May we be free from suffering and the root of Suffering.
May we not be separated from the great happiness Devoid of suffering.
May we dwell in the great equanimity free from Passion, aggression, and prejudice.

-THE FOUR LIMITLESS ONES CHANT

THE VIDEO OF THE MAZU MURAL PROJECT

Brush Confession #9

I am going on a ten-day self-healing trip to Hawaii. Feeling good in my body again. I was lost there for a while but I am walking back into myself again. (Thank God!) Remembering whom I am, working on the things I need to tune up and change about myself. I look forward to the teachings of the island. This week is about self-love and self-acceptance. I chose joy! My plans for the week is to set good intentions for myself, my partnership, my art, my family, my friends, and myself. I step forward awake. My heart is open. When I return I will gift you with photos and journal entries. Until then, I ask you to play and find joy in your life!

Brush Confession #8

I went to the Land Of The Medicine Buddha and did my first group meditation. It was hard but very important. After the meditation group I went home and reflected over the last few months. I have come to realize that when we deny that “life” is constantly changing, we lose our ability to see what really unfolding before us. What are we afraid of? Why are we scared to rock the” boat” or face our problems? Are we afraid of pain? I was afraid of pain. I am still afraid of pain but I am slowly learning that pain is not a punishment; and pleasure is not a reward. Understanding pain and pleasure has allowed me to confront the things and people I find myself attached too. Realizing the uncomfortable truth, that everything that ends is also the beginning of something else. Death surrounds us on a daily basis. I surrender to this hard process.

I have also been struggling with my ego. I have been trying to find what exactly my ego is trying to cover up. I know for a fact that my ego the last few months have been taking me away from being in the moment fully.
Something happened to me during the days before new years. I awoke and stepped outside of myself and saw that I have been running away from what really matters. The scary parts of myself. I have been facing them head on and it has not been easy. I am vulnerable and I am owning my actions. I have come to understand that to be fully alive, fully human and fully awake I must constantly shake the nest. I don’t need to re-create myself when I feel like I am falling apart. I just need to face myself and feel my emotions no matter how dry or moist they are. I can’t help others until I help myself. I must no longer run away when things are hard. I must find the ability to live with both my heart and mind open. Find the patience to see, hear, and feel other people as they really are. True communication can happen when the space between people are open. I can no longer live my life protecting others and myself from pain because that protection allows no room for the softness of the true heart. The heart of an awaken mind.

Life is not easy, and therefore I am living fully.

Brush Confession # 7

If you have been following my blog you are aware of the big changes I have made in my life. I am thankful for the experiences I have plunge myself into, but I am not happy about the people I have hurt along the way.

The big question has been what happened? Did I have a crisis? Was I scared of the success that was right in front of my eyes? Where did this come from? I wish I had all the answers. I believe I am on the road to discovering the answers, by owning my actions, stepping up, and facing my fears and the ugly parts of myself that I dislike.

A good friend wrote me a letter expressing her concerns a while ago and I re read it tonight. Her words were powerful; they soaked into my heart this time. They are words of love and words from a true friend.

“Let me remind you of the kind of person you are: you are loyal, you are connected, you are confidant, you are stable and grounded. As someone who has known you really well, I have a hard time understanding the desire to start over. You’re not someone who walks away from the canvas of your life—you keep jessoing and painting again and again until you’ve created something you’re proud of. Clearly, this painting, this life, needs another, more perfect layer? Where are you? How could you move to a new canvas when your masterpiece was almost just right?”

The layers of my masterpiece these last few months have been abstract and marks without intention. I have been lost and now I am re-jessoing and beginning to paint with intention again. I am ready to face the dark places I was running away from. My eyes, heart and mind are awake. I am ready to touch the uncomfortable layers within myself. I want to heal and come face to face with my inner and outer masterpiece and tender to it with honesty and intention. With my eyes and heart open. I send a public apology to all my friends that I have hurt especially the one person that supported me unconditionally. You know who you are. I am so sorry. I dedicate this blog to E and L thank you for loving all of me even when I pushed you away.