Brush Confession # 7

If you have been following my blog you are aware of the big changes I have made in my life. I am thankful for the experiences I have plunge myself into, but I am not happy about the people I have hurt along the way.

The big question has been what happened? Did I have a crisis? Was I scared of the success that was right in front of my eyes? Where did this come from? I wish I had all the answers. I believe I am on the road to discovering the answers, by owning my actions, stepping up, and facing my fears and the ugly parts of myself that I dislike.

A good friend wrote me a letter expressing her concerns a while ago and I re read it tonight. Her words were powerful; they soaked into my heart this time. They are words of love and words from a true friend.

“Let me remind you of the kind of person you are: you are loyal, you are connected, you are confidant, you are stable and grounded. As someone who has known you really well, I have a hard time understanding the desire to start over. You’re not someone who walks away from the canvas of your life—you keep jessoing and painting again and again until you’ve created something you’re proud of. Clearly, this painting, this life, needs another, more perfect layer? Where are you? How could you move to a new canvas when your masterpiece was almost just right?”

The layers of my masterpiece these last few months have been abstract and marks without intention. I have been lost and now I am re-jessoing and beginning to paint with intention again. I am ready to face the dark places I was running away from. My eyes, heart and mind are awake. I am ready to touch the uncomfortable layers within myself. I want to heal and come face to face with my inner and outer masterpiece and tender to it with honesty and intention. With my eyes and heart open. I send a public apology to all my friends that I have hurt especially the one person that supported me unconditionally. You know who you are. I am so sorry. I dedicate this blog to E and L thank you for loving all of me even when I pushed you away.

One Response to “ Brush Confession # 7 ”

1. Lacy says:

   January 9, 2010 at 8:34 pm

   You are loved.