Brush Confession #8

I went to the Land Of The Medicine Buddha and did my first group meditation. It was hard but very important. After the meditation group I went home and reflected over the last few months. I have come to realize that when we deny that “life” is constantly changing, we lose our ability to see what really unfolding before us. What are we afraid of? Why are we scared to rock the” boat” or face our problems? Are we afraid of pain? I was afraid of pain. I am still afraid of pain but I am slowly learning that pain is not a punishment; and pleasure is not a reward. Understanding pain and pleasure has allowed me to confront the things and people I find myself attached too. Realizing the uncomfortable truth, that everything that ends is also the beginning of something else. Death surrounds us on a daily basis. I surrender to this hard process.

I have also been struggling with my ego. I have been trying to find what exactly my ego is trying to cover up. I know for a fact that my ego the last few months have been taking me away from being in the moment fully.
Something happened to me during the days before new years. I awoke and stepped outside of myself and saw that I have been running away from what really matters. The scary parts of myself. I have been facing them head on and it has not been easy. I am vulnerable and I am owning my actions. I have come to understand that to be fully alive, fully human and fully awake I must constantly shake the nest. I don’t need to re-create myself when I feel like I am falling apart. I just need to face myself and feel my emotions no matter how dry or moist they are. I can’t help others until I help myself. I must no longer run away when things are hard. I must find the ability to live with both my heart and mind open. Find the patience to see, hear, and feel other people as they really are. True communication can happen when the space between people are open. I can no longer live my life protecting others and myself from pain because that protection allows no room for the softness of the true heart. The heart of an awaken mind.

Life is not easy, and therefore I am living fully.